Why can’t you just get a decent photo of me and the kids? and other family photography questions…
For the last few years, I’ve been researching motherhood and photography. This journey has taken me down many a rabbit hole and offered so many perspectives on the debate. Yet, without a doubt, the question I hear most is a frustrated, ‘why can’t they just get a decent photo of me and the kids?’ (Add angry shrug emoji, obvs).
Firstly, I hear you. It’s a question I’m constantly asking in my house, and in all honesty, it’s at the core of the reason why I got into photography in the first place. I mean, often if you want something done, do it yourself, right? Well, in lots of things, that’s precisely the case, but on this particular issue, it really isn’t that simple. It’s possible to scratch the self-portrait surface with timers and remotes, but if we’re really going to dig deep into the issue, we’re going to need a little help from those we spend our time with.
You could say I’m projecting by writing this (I am), and you might live in a house where you’re frequently caught on camera with your kids. Maybe you’re totally at peace with how they turn out, and you’re never engaged in an exasperated rant about how, if someone looked around your house or through your family album, they wouldn’t have much of a clue you’d been there at all. If this is you, then please share your secrets, because there are so many of us who would love for this to be the case.
If that’s not you, and you’re looking for some kind of solution to what seems to be a widespread issue, then it might be worth taking these things into consideration. They’re pretty frank and not particularly Instagram-idealistic, but if they resonate, share them with the person who can make some changes and help get you on camera. Let’s start to change the dialogue for mums and make sure they’re an active part of their family album going forward.
Before we get into handing out tips, cards on the table: have you communicated what your idea of a decent photo is? Like, quite literally, have you ever actually articulated it? Can you even articulate it? Personally, I don’t think it matters what makes a ‘decent’ photograph to you; it doesn’t do for us all to wish for the same thing. However, it does matter whether the person who you’re hoping will take the photo actually knows. From my teaching days, I know just how disastrous a game of ‘guess what’s in my head’ can be. There’s nothing worse than people flailing around trying to figure it out. Find a good time to talk about it and get it out there.
Personally, I love lots of ‘types’ of photos of me and the kids, and these days, I’m no longer in any way embarrassed to ask for a photo to be taken. But what I really want in my heart is to catch the tiny moments of connection that I feel but can’t store long term. Let’s be clear, you won’t find me making light of family life. I have a front-toothless six year old finding his personality loudly and a permanently hooded preteen, not to mention a five month old puppy causing absolute carnage everywhere he goes. We’re in the thick of it for sure. All of that doesn’t mean I don’t want to bottle it up though, it kind of makes me want to do it more. I’d like them to be a bit quieter, I can’t lie, but I really don’t want to lose this, whatever ‘this’ is. Especially the times where it’s just lovely. Because two things can be true at the same time. I want to bottle up the bits I can’t take pictures of myself. Because that’s life, isn’t it.
I can’t ask my husband to take this kind of photo because as soon as I do, that connection is broken, and it leaves, if we’re being honest, a bit of resentment that it wasn’t noticed and I had to ask anyway. So, I’d say for me, a ‘decent photo’ is me engaging with my kids, living our lives as they are right now, because I know how quickly things change. I’m not going to lie and tell you I’m not body conscious, because I am, but I’m far less worried these days about the size of my thighs and far more concerned with bottling up the bits of joy that come with the hardcore ride of parenting.
So, what to do about it? We love a list, and I’ve made one right here. Five ideas for you to send to someone who can help get you in the photo - as with anything else in life, take the ones you need and leave the ones you don’t.
One of the key things to remember when getting into this is that, without a doubt, the experience of how the photo was taken will impact the reaction to seeing the photo. Our connection to what was going on at the time will drive the way we see it. In short, it is going to feel like it felt. So, whatever feeling is happening in the room at the time, hold it lightly. Pile in for a group selfie? Joy. Mum and kids reading quietly in a corner? Don’t disturb it. Opportunity to get everyone in the frame in front of great scenery or just because you’re all there? Let it be real, even if it’s the chaotic kind of real.
Which leads us nicely into how we need to drop the idea that everyone has to be looking at the camera and smiling for it to be a decent photo. Don’t get me wrong, there are so many gorgeous photos that take this traditional form—I have plenty on my walls at home. But there is an argument that says, if this hasn’t come about naturally, once you start harassing everyone to stop, look, and smile, you hype up the pressure and start the clock on how long it will be before someone melts down, and the opportunity has flatlined.
Instead of shouting ‘smile,’ try making the effort to notice the connection happening in the room. People probably are smiling, but because they’re cuddled up watching something they love, or taking the mick out of each other, or just generally happy in each other’s company. That’s joy right there. Photograph that.
There’s a time and place for a close-up, but I’m going to put myself out there and state that it’s rarely with a mum. We’re already pretty overstimulated from having no personal space, and we’re working really hard on being at ease with our imperfections. We don’t need them highlighted at x2. The trick to getting better at this one is pretty simple—just take a step back, literally. And if you’re tempted to hit that zoom button, just don’t. It’s pretty unlikely any good can come from that.
Family photography is not a checklist activity. If it’s a debate in your house, and you’re on the receiving end of a frustrated plea for getting mum in more photos, then try to avoid seeing it as something on your to-do list. Take. Family. Photo. Check? Not quite.
There’s a whole step before actually snapping the shot, and it’s noticing the connection. Think of the photo as an opportunity to show mum how important she is, how everyone looks to her for absolutely everything, how she’s doing a bloody great job getting everyone through the everyday. Frankly, they’re little love notes that remind her she’s doing okay.
When it comes to photos, lose the ‘one and done’ mentality. Let’s call the digital age what it is when it comes to photography—it’s plenty of wiggle room to try, and to keep trying, until you hit the winner. One single picture doesn’t result in perfect family photography. The messiness is part of it. Knock yourself out, take a few more now and then. Also, don’t forget to share your wares. Don’t hide behind the old ‘well, you won’t like them anyway’ gripe. It’s boring. Try harder. Find a way.
When it comes to family photography, it’s a team effort. Be brave, be open, and the good stuff will come. Family photography needn’t be an awkward add-on. With a bit of energy and effort, it can become part of the natural rhythm of your family life.